Share Your World – 2014 Week 26

This week’s Q&A from Cee’s Share Your World 🙂

Is your refrigerator organised or a mess inside?

Living in London on a low income = small flat = small kitchen = small refrigerator, so out of necessity there is surprising order and method to the contents. However, hypothetically given all the lovely shelf space of a big American-style fridge as tall as myself, I’m sure I could easily create some disorder and havoc in there in no time at all…

If you could be famous for one thing, what would it be?

To be honest I have absolutely no desire to be famous for anything, I’m really uncomfortable standing out from the crowd and struggle enough with trying to appear to be the same as everyone else, not to feel so different from the norm… But the trouble with wanting to blend in like a chameleon is that it is all too easy to become invisible, even to yourself, so that you feel like whatever idiosynchratic weirdness makes you, well, effectively you, is in danger of completely disappearing, and in that sense I even feel ambivalent about being normal. So no fame for me, thanks, I’ll pass on that one!

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?

I want to feel happier in life, not to have to wake up and struggle every day, not to have to push myself to do the kind of ordinary life things that so many people seem to take for granted. I suppose I want not to feel forever bound to the dark shadow of depression that nips hard at my heels wherever I go, however hard I try to shake it off… But I do keep trying, whatever it takes, in the hope that one day I’ll get there…

Where do you eat breakfast?

Um… on the rare occasions I eat breakfast, I’d usually eat it sitting on the sofa, on a tray on my lap 🙂

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The lure of the liminal – life on the edge…

Historically I’m not much of a joiner, have never been in with the in crowd – I’m more of an on-the-outside-looking-in person. A peripheral paddler through the shallows of life rather than someone who just dives straight in and to hell with the consequences. I tend to feel most comfortable – at my most safe – when neither fully committed to remaining potentially stranded on the shore, nor fully immersed and potentially out of my depth in the unforgiving sea. The lure of the liminal – life on the edge. Thresholds and transient non-spaces, neither fully one place nor another, that’s where you’ll find me.

As a teenager I was always on the fringes of school-based group friendships, frequenting the edges of all social situations, regularly found in the kitchen at parties. For the longest time I did try to fit in with everyone else, but there was always that undefinable something (I know now to be depression) that somehow kept me apart, marked me out as other – I felt it deep within myself as well as experiencing the friendly-but-confused responses of my peers.

When it comes to growing up, displaying difference to accepted cultural norms brings its own difficulties, breeds its own desperation to belong, creates ever deeper chasms of separation between ourselves and those whose company we crave most. So as young adults we learn to adapt, find a hybrid way to live both on the family tree of choice yet out on a limb, becoming both a part of yet remaining apart from the larger group. And once we know we can survive quite well on the edges of life, it becomes a habit.

Now I’m older, a little part of me still yearns to be liked by everyone, but a much bigger part of me knows I just don’t play the game well enough ever to win the Miss Popularity vote, whatever I do in life. I’ve got used to being different, to living with recurring depressive episodes, and have finally learned to embrace that difference.

So now I’m asking myself the intriguing question – if people don’t like what I write on my blog, will I change what I choose to post? It’s my blog, my life, my choice – yet WordPress is ultimately a public forum, and if I wasn’t looking for some kind of public response, some kind of validation, then I suppose I wouldn’t be writing it at all… It’s a good question, and one I don’t have the answer to yet, so I guess I’ll just have go with the flow, and see what happens next… 🙂