Perhaps I’m not the most prolific blogger on the block, but unless I’m away from home I’m generally on here most days in some shape or form, checking in with and catching up on other people’s blogs in the background even if not posting anything myself. I really enjoy the online interaction with everyone; it’s fun, and I’ve found getting my daily fix to be quite addictive.
But blogging takes up a surprising amount of time, and a few potential (positive!) changes are afoot in my real life that mean my virtual presence is going to have to take a bit of a back seat for now, allowing me to direct my energies towards other things. I know I’m going to have a lot to focus on in the near future, and it all needs to have my full attention, for the next while, at least.
I’m sure I’ll drift back this way eventually, sooner or later, but for now I feel a complete blogging break is the best way forward for me. The last (unplanned) break I took was for a couple of months at the beginning of this year, when I simply found myself with nothing to say, but thankfully this particular break is more due to a definite deluge than a drought.
I’m not sure how long I’ll be be out there just doing my best to keep my head above water, but I’m sure I’ll see you all a little further along this river of life, when this impending fast flow subsides and I’m safely through the other side, refreshed and exhausted but hopefully having thoroughly enjoyed the ride! 🙂
WordPress tells me I’ve achieved 500 posts – I guess that’s got to be a good thing. There’s inevitably been a bit of a natural ebb and flow of blog activity at times, depending on what else is going on in my life at any given moment, but I’m still here meandering along after 500 posts and that feels fine – so thanks for sticking by me, I truly appreciate it! 🙂
I think I have a tendency to over-think things too much. A lifetime’s history of recurring depression and therapy and medication has left me hyper-vigilant to any warning signs of yet another potential depressive episode, to the extent that my constantly guarded concern gets in the way of the rest of life, clouding my judgement and darkening my horizons unnecessarily. Being so hyper-vigilant to attack all the time is quite frankly exhausting – it drains all the fun out of life, turning me into being a wizened, dried-up old stick-in-the-mud before my time.
I can see that what I really need to do is to loosen up, lighten up – let go a bit more, enjoying the good things in life as they come to me, and just have some fun while I can. Unfortunately, though, it seems that for me the other side of over-thinking the bad stuff is a tendency to under-play all the good stuff.
It’s not that I don’t see it as good as such, more that I just don’t always rate it as important to focus on – I don’t value it highly enough for it to register as meaningful on my internal radar. I’m always on the look-out for potential trouble in all things, so anything positive I see is automatically tainted with inherently negative threat, keeping me wary – a bit like the potential threat of being caught in friendly-fire in a front-line battle-zone. And that, too, is draining the life out of me.
So I feel that it’s way past time for me to move on from holding that persistently precarious position. Perhaps if I were deliberately to allow my blog to become only a positively creative space in which to explore the possibilities of having fun in life, playing both with words and pictures in whatever way I see fit, then that might help me break the bad habit of incessant doom-mongering. After all my real life is full enough of fretting and worrying without having (inadvertently) added another outlet for indulging the inevitable negativity that goes along with it.
It’s not so much a wholesale change of blog direction I’m looking for as a much-needed tightening up of remit – I can still be as randomly meandering as I like, just as long as each post radiates positive creativity overall rather than negatively draining the energy from the page. Part of my problem to date seems to be that I don’t associate a positive mind-set with being genuinely ‘me’ – but I feel it’s time that association changed for the better, allowing me to find a happier future, not only for me but also by extension for my long-suffering family… 🙂
My blog no longer feels as if it’s meandering comfortably with me through life – instead I feel as if I’m just drifting aimlessly from one post to the next, unsure of why I’m even still trying to keep it up.
I sometimes worry that I’m using blogging as a form of instant gratification to force myself to feel better about life – I post something, people like it or comment on it, and I feel better for a bit. I tell myself – see, you’re still taking photographs, still writing haiku, still holding an online conversation and making sense, so on the surface you must be alright.
But underneath it all, I have to ask myself – am I?
I know it doesn’t ever take much to knock me off-course in life; I feel as if I’m always balanced on a knife-edge looking steadfastly forwards with courage and hope that this time the equilibrium will last. Then some little insignificant thing causes me to take my eye off the future for a moment and suddenly I have no idea where I am, or even why I am?
Have you ever watched Runaway Bride, with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? That moment on their first, would-be wedding day when Julia Roberts’ character is walking up the aisle towards Richard Gere with her eyes fixed firmly to his. Then her dad takes a photograph, and the camera flash dazzles her, breaking her eye contact, and suddenly she panics and bolts yet again.
That’s how tenuous my grip on any meaningful positive reality feels sometimes. I can be feeling relatively up-beat, and then in a flash of something or nothing, it’s all gone, just like that. So I know right now I need to get myself back on track before I seriously start to lose my way again; gently work through why I suddenly feel so lost, apparently out of the blue.
I guess the bottom line is I just want to feel like Mad Meandering Me again, not Desperately Drifting Depressive…
I’ve just voted for some of my favourite bloggers in Sacha Black’s Annual Blogger’s Bash – I voted for a different blogger in each category, so that way managed to support several of you equally! Good luck to everyone who has been nominated 🙂 x
Oh, by the way, I couldn’t decide on which header image to use this time around so I’ve set it on random – so if it looks different each time you look at my page it’s because there are now four images to choose from… 🙂
Help! Does anyone know why my WordPress Reader doesn’t seem to show all new posts of everyone I follow in its feed? I naively thought that was the purpose of it, but frustratingly it seems not…
Does it work more like Facebook’s newsfeed, where it chooses only to give you what it considers to be ‘top posts’ rather than ‘most recent’ as default so you have to change it every time you want to see all the latest updates from people? To me that just creates a stupid cycle of all the ‘top posts’ always remaining at the top because that’s all people can see, and everything else staying buried in cyberspace… Grrr…!
Is there something I have to do (within the Reader rather than signing up to emails, which surely defeats the purpose of having the Reader in the first place) to make sure I do catch everything I want to catch from the people I want to follow?
I’ve just realised I’ve been missing a whole pile of stuff for goodness knows how long from a whole load of people who by now must be thinking I’ve abandoned following their blogs… 😦
After three months with the unfussy face of Twenty Fifteen as my blog theme, I feel it’s time to say thank you and farewell, and welcome back to good old Sorbet.
It’s not exactly as it was before, but nevertheless it’s back… To my surprise I found that the more time passed, the more I missed it, so here we are again! 🙂
What happened to my WordPress Reader? Why does everything have to be constantly ‘upgraded’ to a ‘new and improved’ state these days? What the hell happened to good old ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’, hmmm…?
Guess it’s just an age thing – ‘grumpy old woman’-hood strikes again… or maybe I’ll just blame my recent bump on the head… 🙂