Drifting, Not Meandering…

My blog no longer feels as if it’s meandering comfortably with me through life – instead I feel as if I’m just drifting aimlessly from one post to the next, unsure of why I’m even still trying to keep it up.

I sometimes worry that I’m using blogging as a form of instant gratification to force myself to feel better about life – I post something, people like it or comment on it, and I feel better for a bit. I tell myself – see, you’re still taking photographs, still writing haiku, still holding an online conversation and making sense, so on the surface you must be alright.

But underneath it all, I have to ask myself – am I?

I know it doesnā€™t ever take much to knock me off-course in life; I feel as if I’m always balanced on a knife-edge looking steadfastly forwards with courage and hope that this time the equilibrium will last. Then some little insignificant thing causes me to take my eye off the future for a moment and suddenly I have no idea where I am, or even why I am?

Have you ever watched Runaway Bride, with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? That moment on their first, would-be wedding day when Julia Roberts’ character is walking up the aisle towards Richard Gere with her eyes fixed firmly to his. Then her dad takes a photograph, and the camera flash dazzles her, breaking her eye contact, and suddenly she panics and bolts yet again.

That’s how tenuous my grip on any meaningful positive reality feels sometimes. I can be feeling relatively up-beat, and then in a flash of something or nothing, it’s all gone, just like that. So I know right now I need to get myself back on track before I seriously start to lose my way again; gently work through why I suddenly feel so lost, apparently out of the blue.

I guess the bottom line is I just want to feel like Mad Meandering Me again, not Desperately Drifting Depressive…

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13 thoughts on “Drifting, Not Meandering…

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I’m kind of in the same boat. I look at my blog and go “what. what do you want from me, blank post?” Silly, maybe, but what it is simply is the one form of working through things in my life has ground to a bit of a halt and that’s not good.

    Here’s to getting our muses back, color in our lives and as Victo says above, plugging along to get there ((hugs))

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I hope I can say this with out it offending you somehow. I read a lot of bloggers and it’s hard to keep track of whether they are on a mission or pointed down a particular road or bouncing from thing to thing. In my case, I chose random as a theme (makes the thought process easier). That said, I pretty much always enjoy coming here. You know what you want from this blog, but I’m not sure I do. I’m not sure it matters. I like your words, your photos and from what they tell me about you, I like you Ruth. I hope you can figure out what you want to say, but I’ll be here regardless.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Dan – actually, I’m not sure that I DO know what I want from this blog – that’s partly where the ‘meandering’ bit in the title came from – so I think even I can feel a little bit ‘lost’ with it and where it’s going at times. But then again, looking at it in another way, the general confusion and random weirdness of what the hell it’s all about is pretty much exactly how my life goes at the best of times! I’ve taken more photographs (other than family snapshots, of which I have gazillions but don’t share here) since starting blogging than ever before, and have discovered a real passion for it, which is great. And I’ve always written poetry, so there’s space for that, too. But as ever with me, there is so much more that I DON’T say, a whole complicated and complex life lived away from the screen, and I’m always wary of over-sharing when it comes to all my ongoing mental health issues… So I guess my blog just is what it is, and what it has to be… but thanks for sticking with it with me – and I really do appreciate the support of all my blog friends, I think you’re all great! šŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

      • I do struggle with how much to share and what people will be interested in. I try to keep it light but sometimes I drift toward serious.

        It will be fun to see where this takes you.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Ruth, sorry to hear that you feel a bit adrift, something we all feel sometimes I think. I agree with Dan, I like your blog because it is different things on different days (that’s what mine is too). I found that I stopped following a lot of blogs because hey were always the same subjects, just different words. That being said, your blog is yours, to do with as you wish, say what you wish and share what you wish. Do what feels good and right to you and to heck with anyone else. I guess that can be the problem sometimes too – we just don’t know what we want – and that can sum up our life too, but we live it anyway.
    Best wishes

    Liked by 1 person

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