I’ve been wondering why my blog has slowly become little more than a seamless series of blog challenge entries linked together; week after week of photographs and haiku with relatively few ‘me’ posts in between? Don’t get me wrong, I love taking part in blog challenges, but I don’t want to be doing only those.
I want my blog to be a real-time reflection of my life as it passes by, and right now I sense something lacking in my posts. So it’s not what I currently share in my blog posts that concerns me, but what I do not. And I realise I simply cannot share what I do not accept as reality.
On the surface, I’m going about my business as usual, but when I dig a little deeper I sense silence, and denial. I know I want to be happy in life, be grateful for what I have and enjoy my days, and on one level I do achieve that day to day.
But underneath the everyday veneer what I’m feeling is a growing sense of emptiness and unease, a vast cavern of unfulfilled need so expansive that the thought even of acknowledging it fills me with trepidation.
Maintaining my inner silence allows me to deny my distress, creating the illusion of peace, whereas even the slightest internal whisper that all is not well threatens to echo with acoustic amplification throughout the whole of my being, vibrating with more inharmonious dissonance than I can handle.
I know I have much to be grateful for in life, especially people to love who love me too, but still dissatisfaction plagues me. I alone have made the choices that have brought me to this exact place in life at this exact time, and yet still I struggle on, disheartened and disillusioned, puzzled and perplexed.
So I may feel that I want to explore some of this issues in my blog in the coming weeks, or I may not. But in the meantime, I’ll continue with my weekly blog challenges, and hope that, as ever before, this latest emotional difficulty too shall pass…