Silence, and Denial…

I’ve been wondering why my blog has slowly become little more than a seamless series of blog challenge entries linked together; week after week of photographs and haiku with relatively few ‘me’ posts in between? Don’t get me wrong, I love taking part in blog challenges, but I don’t want to be doing only those.

I want my blog to be a real-time reflection of my life as it passes by, and right now I sense something lacking in my posts. So it’s not what I currently share in my blog posts that concerns me, but what I do not. And I realise I simply cannot share what I do not accept as reality.

On the surface, I’m going about my business as usual, but when I dig a little deeper I sense silence, and denial. I know I want to be happy in life, be grateful for what I have and enjoy my days, and on one level I do achieve that day to day.

But underneath the everyday veneer what I’m feeling is a growing sense of emptiness and unease, a vast cavern of unfulfilled need so expansive that the thought even of acknowledging it fills me with trepidation.

Maintaining my inner silence allows me to deny my distress, creating the illusion of peace, whereas even the slightest internal whisper that all is not well threatens to echo with acoustic amplification throughout the whole of my being, vibrating with more inharmonious dissonance than I can handle.

I know I have much to be grateful for in life, especially people to love who love me too, but still dissatisfaction plagues me. I alone have made the choices that have brought me to this exact place in life at this exact time, and yet still I struggle on, disheartened and disillusioned, puzzled and perplexed.

So I may feel that I want to explore some of this issues in my blog in the coming weeks, or I may not. But in the meantime, I’ll continue with my weekly blog challenges, and hope that, as ever before, this latest emotional difficulty too shall pass…

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15 thoughts on “Silence, and Denial…

  1. I really hope you do explore this internal struggle because I think it could be very relevent for many of us. In this post, you put into words what I have been feeling for some time but have been unable / unwilling to give any definition to.
    “The slightest internal whisper that all is not well threatens to echo with acoustic amplification throughout the whole of my being, vibrating with more inharmonious dissonance than I can handle” is a really powerful statement. I recognized the feeling.

    In reading this post, it occurred to me that perhaps what we are experiencing are the normal emotions, doubts, worries that accompany a transition from one life chapter to another.

    We may each have different circumstances / triggers … but the journey sounds like it could be the same.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for commenting, Joanne – I’m definitely on the cusp of a period of transition in my life, so this may well just be part of a ‘normal’ shift in pattern of the ebb and flow of life for me – the personal equivalent of a seasonal high tide or something like that…

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  2. I have added one regular and one “sometimes” challenge to my blogging activity. It helps me keep writing when I am busy, because they are both fairly easy to respond to. I do occasionally push one out of the way in order to get back to the core kind of stuff I want to write. It’s a balancing act for me since I don’t want to burden my readers with too much content.

    Good luck with whatever you decide. If you choose to explore the struggles, I will be happy to tag along. I love the opportunity to learn about life from others.

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  3. Life is difficult, wonderous, confusing, challenging and so many other words. Being open to what is happening and knowing when to go with the flow is something many struggle with (myself included). Sometimes we just need a holiday from reality and I find my blog a safe place to create a happy space for me, full of lovely images, fun words and the occasional serious bit (maybe hidden within the others). Do what feels right to you and try not to worry about what you should/should not put out there in blogland.
    Best wishes.

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  4. Hi Ruth, I know that for me, when I am feeling low, blogging really helps. Although I am trying to keep things light and humorous, I still find that the interaction I have with the other bloggers really helps me feel a valued part of the community. I hope you work things out ok 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve recently found myself in a similar place posting more for challenges or linkups than anything personal. But I’ve decided that sometimes the challenges and prompts are a safe / comfortable cover until you’re ready to share life again. It certainly takes some working out and a bit of bravery (at least for me), but there’s always the other side. Sending positive thoughts 🙂

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