This is my very first attempt at this challenge, and I have to say that the first words tumbling out of my head and stumbling over themselves to hit the page running are that I’m really not very comfortable with the idea of stream of consciousness writing. Or rather, I love the idea, but the reality scares me shitless.
I try to be very cautious in what I say, but its not that I’m scared of writing something that you might not like, but of writing something that I might not like! And then I realise that sounds so anally retentive – why am I so worried about what I might say if I just let my thoughts run wild? Why am I so tentative about writing down whatever whirls about in my head as I hover over the keyboard – the knowledge that I can’t edit anything once it is formed freaks me out, as if the unexpurgated me is too much even for me to handle.
I had so many years of not saying things, not sharing my feelings, guarding myself against being rejected by the world for not being good enough, and old habits die hard. I hold tight to too much, keep it all held in like chronic constipation of life, and that can’t be healthy.
So I’m writing this as it emerges from my mind and I’m thinking – it’s Sunday, it’s not even Saturday, so it’s too late to post anything now. But what the hell, I’ve written it now, and even if is a pile of poo it’s better out than in…