I think I’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut over the last few months, just going round and round in circles, getting nowhere fast. Even now I’ve no idea where the time is going – I went for a walk this afternoon with the notion of photographing the snowdrops that grow along the churchyard path every spring, but soon realised I’ve already missed them. The sad thing is I didn’t even notice them come and go, even though I walk past the church regularly. Of course it’s not a major problem in the city to be oblivious of nature, although I do normally notice such seasonal signs of change in my environment wherever I am, but I feel it’s more indicative of so much in life at the moment.
On one hand I seem to be getting on as normal – going to work, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping – but on the other, it’s as if I’m on a parallel yet different timescale than everyone else. I’m becoming aware of often finding myself strangely unaware of everyday time passing, as if everyone else has speeded up on the path through life while I’m stuck in perpetual slow-motion on mindless autopilot without knowing it. I dont feel myself spiralling into depression, but I have to acknowledge the warning signs when they appear – and losing my sense of time is recognisably one of mine, so I need to take notice, just incase…
Admittedly life hasn’t been easy over the last seven months since my husband broke his foot in a workplace accident. He got his right foot trapped while attempting to escape some wood falling, and dislocated all five joints in his mid-foot. He had emergency surgery to put his foot back together with two permanantly-fixed titanium screws and three temporary wires holding all the dislocated joints in place, and spent a total of ten weeks relatively immobile at home in a non-weight-bearing plaster.
He then spent another ten weeks on an air-boot and crutches, slowly learning to put more and more weight through his healing foot, and only after five months was he able to move his foot freely and start walking again properly, at which time he was given physiotherapy to begin to strengthen his massively-weakened muscles. He finally went back to work part-time only a month ago, six months almost to the day since his accident, and thankfully all is going well with that so far but it’s been a long, hard slog to get there.
Since the beginning of August last year I’ve been trying so hard to keep a level head about it all and keep everything ticking along on the home front as far as possible, but I’m not superwoman so some non-essential things have inevitably had to give along the way. And I think that’s why I’m feeling so stuck in such a rut just now – the fixed, determined focus on just keeping an even keel that was so necessary when life was so seriously curtailed for us has now after so many months become a subconscious habit, and I think it’s beginning to get me down.
So I guess I need to try harder break myself out of the pattern of keeping my nose to the grindstone and my shoulder to the wheel to the detriment of so much else. Autumn came and went in absentia, Winter whirled by almost unnoticed, and now Spring is finally stirring, so I need to do my damnedest to get myself out of that tired old rut of the last few months and finally get my life moving again before I find myself missing out on the beautiful summer sun too… 🙂
P.S. Hmmm… When I first previewed this before posting live, I realised I’d mis-typed the title and had written ‘Stuck in a Ruth’ instead of ‘Stuck in a Rut’ – on reflection that’s probably just as accurate a title!